How To Survive The Curse Of Being The Black Sheep Of The Family.
Did you ever feel like you were born into the wrong family? Like something about your family didn’t match up to the way you saw the world? Ever felt adopted?
You just know when you don’t fit in. It’s as clear as day. You march to the beat of a different drum, thinking differently to others, mostly about everything.
Did you also feel like most of your family members completely misunderstood you? You’re in good company then… pull up a chair, sit back and relax — welcome to the Unconventional Goddess family 🙂
You’re what’s known as a Black Sheep of the family… but you knew that already, right?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a Black Sheep as someone who does not fit in with the rest of a group and is often considered to be a troublemaker or an embarrassment.
Ever feel like that?
You’ve probably been treated as an outcast, especially if you voiced an opinion different from the “family” or you chose to follow your own, different from the family, path in life.
Shaming is by far the worst (if not the most powerful) weapon a family can use to align its kin with their worldview.
My life as the black sheep of my family was filled with frustration, pain and I used up so much energy trying to convince my family that my path was the best for me. What I wanted more than anything was to have my family believe in me, be proud of me, be happy for me and accept and respect my choices. Most of all I wanted to be seen for who I was.
I was met with resistance, fights, silent treatment, manipulation and shaming. Shaming is by far the worst (if not the most powerful) weapon a family can use to align its kin with their worldview.
QUESTIONING THE SYSTEM
From my own experience, growing up in apartheid South Africa during the 80’s, I sensed something was not right with the “system” or the way the world worked.
How come I was able to have a black nanny look after me yet when I went to school, there were no black children to be found? Why was it that I was able to see black people in the streets, but they didn’t live in the same neighbourhood, in a similar house to mine? How come our housekeeper wasn’t allowed to drink or eat using our family’s crockery or cutlery? How come I wasn’t allowed to talk to the dark-skinned boy I’d met whilst working at my part-time job as a teenager?
The injustice of it all weighed heavily on me and lacking the maturity to properly voice what I was feeling, my shouts of indignation and questions I needed answered were met with either stony silence or shame.
A SENSE OF BELONGING
A sense of belonging is one of Maslow’s key needs as laid out in his hierarchy of needs. Family is where that first sense of belonging is felt.
We’re supposed to be loved and cared for by our parents and accepted by them too. We’re supposed to be part of the same unit — a force that can face a rough and uncertain world together and protect each other.
Yet in a dysfunctional family, we’re given conditions to be met else any sense of belonging to that unit is switched off.
That’s not love.
A sense of belonging is one of Maslow’s key needs as laid out in his hierarchy. Family is where that first sense of belonging is felt.
We know there are supposed to be no conditions attached to love, yet many people are ostracised from their families or communities because they express a different opinion, a big dream, a different sexuality or life choice.
UNSPOKEN RULES
Families have their own unspoken rules — a secret code that is only known to the members of the family.
While some families are healthy and functional, many families are toxic and dysfunctional. While some families have harmless traditions that are followed for fun, other families follow a specific religion dogmatically, expect their kids to follow a particular career path, live out the life they never could or have ways of thinking that are bigoted and racist. They may be unconscious of the dynamics in the family, it’s the way things are.
That dysfunction is handed down through generations with no one ever questioning why the family has to do something this specific way or think in another way.
Until you came along…
Fit in with our beliefs, views and support what we support — or you’re out.
THE RIGHT TO BE RESPECTED.
A good barometer for understanding whether a family functions well or not is the level of respect that exists within that family.
As I was growing up, the idea that children deserved respect was preposterous! In fact, it was the other way around. Children had to be respectful of parents, teacher and the law. Not the other way around. Obey or there would be consequences. This was usually meted out in some form of corporal punishment — either at home or school.
A good barometer for understanding whether a family functions well or not is the level of respect that exists within that family.
Yet thankfully, the modelling for parenting has certainly changed. We know that when children are respected, they succeed in life. It’s how they learn to respect and value themselves. They trust themselves. When a child experiences respect, they know what it feels like and begin to understand how important it is. They become productive members of society.
Yet in some families, this idea of respecting a child is fantastical. Children are seen as extensions of the family or minions to obey every word their parents utter. The idea of treating a child with dignity is ludicrous. Listening to their concerns? Asking for their opinions? Involving them in as many decisions as possible? Including them in conversation? In dysfunctional families, this doesn’t happen.
And so it’s easy to see how a Black Sheep is born — when there is a family dynamic that doesn’t value respect — for other ideas, beliefs or choices.
9 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY.
There are a few signs that point to you being the black sheep of the family. They are :
1. You question everything!
You’ve always been observant, an empath that can detect the slightest change in reaction or body language. You’re a deep thinker and what you see in the world is hard to understand and make sense of. You ask a million questions because you’re naturally curious about why and how the world works. Sometimes, this doesn’t make you popular within your family.
2. You’re naturally headstrong and stubborn.
As a child, you were different from your siblings and classmates. You didn’t accept no for an answer, exasperating your parents and many of your teachers. You were often referred to as the troublemaker or problem child of the family.
3. You’re an avid reader.
You’re not satisfied with one way of looking at something. You devour information and you’re a natural researcher. You have an insatiable need to quench your thirst for understanding the world.
4. You’re a seeker (of truth).
You know there’s something out there waiting for you. You’ve never been satisfied with the status quo or the “because I said so” answer. You’re willing to try on different ideas to find something that matches your beliefs about the world. You value truth above everything else.
5. Injustice deeply affects you.
You look around at the world and there is a deep sadness for how it’s come to be this way. You don’t understand poverty or hunger when there is so much excess in the world. Movements like feminism, #BlackLivesMatter and climate change appeal to you because it’s a way of fighting the injustice you see around you. Your family doesn’t understand your deep passion for these causes.
6. You seek role models outside of your family.
This may be in the form of mentors, teachers or guides, who genuinely are interested in your opinion or worldview. They may also be celebrities you admire who exhibit the same rebel traits you have. You’re looking for someone who can show you the way.
7. You sense deep down that you are different.
You don’t know when first that feeling was felt, but you knew you were different from others in your family. It could’ve been time spent at a friend’s house where their family’s behaviour life was deeply juxtaposed against your family or the intense burning inside of you that you just “didn’t fit in” with your family.
8. You were made to feel bad about the way you were.
Whether you voiced your opinion or did something out of the ordinary, you were ostracised, criticised, completely ignored, and/or emotionally manipulated if you rebelled or spoke up in any way. Remember, this is not “normal” and “loving” behaviour from a family.
9. You find it hard to connect with other family members.
It’s difficult to connect with others, let alone family, when you don’t have much in common with them. It feels like there is this unspoken rule that you should be able to connect with family. Most of the times, as a black sheep, this isn’t the case. You are vastly misunderstood.
9 WAYS TO MOVE BEYOND THE CURSE OF THE BLACK SHEEP.
There is a freedom that comes from being the black sheep of the family. Being the black sheep is not something you choose intentionally. You never asked to be misunderstood or have your choices questioned.
Yet it’s a lonely road to travel. You may carry deep wounds from your family making you doubt whether you’re good enough or whether the path you’re taking is the right one.
It’s a lonely road to travel. You may carry deep wounds from your family making you doubt whether you’re good enough or whether the path you’re taking is the right one.
But there are 9 ways that will help alleviate your pain.
1. Protect your mental health at all costs through super strong boundaries.
Your mental health is paramount here. You need to find a way to create some sort of emotional distance between yourself and your family, especially if it’s incredibly toxic. It’s frustrating and anguishing to deal with people who refuse to understand you or belittle your choices.
2. Seek a therapist
Find someone objective to talk about your pain of rejection. Someone who can help you rebuild your self-confidence and gain clarity on a way forward. Someone who can help you set some strong boundaries.
3. Grieve the loss of your family.
There is an expectation that our family will always be there for us, but you might need to relook at your expectations around your family. You may need to accept that your family will never come around and think like you do or accept your life choices.
If it’s been a very abusive situation with your family, you can decide to break ties with them altogether. And if you do, know that there are various stages of grief you’ll go through if you haven’t gone through them already. Although not linear, you will probably experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Again, a therapist can help you through these stages.
4. Don’t try to convince anyone of your decisions.
I often found myself trying to justify my choices and “make them see”. This is never a productive road to go down. When people are so entrenched in a specific way of thinking, it’s very difficult to reach them. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince people to understand you. Your time and energy are too important to try to prove yourself to people.
Learn to become aware of when you are seeking external validation — with regard to your choices or anything in your life. This is extremely powerful for you.
5. Find your own soul family.
They say friends are the family we choose for ourselves. This is very true when it comes to toxic families.
In the search for who you are, you will come across people who “vibrate at the same frequency” as you. These are your people, your tribe. Seek support from the people who love and accept you as you are (not as they think you should be).
Invest time and energy in connections that make you feel good about yourself. If you decide to have a family of your own one day, work hard to break the patterns from the past. That can be one of the greatest gifts to the world you can give.
6. Become your biggest cheerleader
Developing a thick skin is essential if you are to forge ahead in the world when your family doesn’t support you.
If you’ve experienced family trauma, your inner child will have been wounded. That idea of not feeling good enough for the family or feelings of worthlessness will be strong if you’ve endured criticism your whole life for your choices.
Trying to live up to the expectations of your birth family also breeds issues of perfectionism and low self-esteem in people. Being rejected by the people who are meant to love you deeply wounds you.
Learn to love yourself like crazy! Learning to love yourself and connecting with that wounded inner child is one of the most important gifts you can give yourself. Working on consistently looking after your needs and being kind to yourself is a life-long task. Your therapist will also be an extremely valuable resource here.
7. Remember, it’s not you, it’s them.
In society and within families, following the status quo is always easier. When you do what’s expected of you, there’s less friction. When you follow the rules, it’s safer for others. They know what to expect from you, it’s familiar for them so they expend less mental energy and you get to play the role that others want you to play.
Except you don’t win. They do.
So if you hear a calling in your heart to follow a different direction to that of your family, know that it’s going to be tough. You will be swimming upstream. You will get tired. But there is nothing wrong with you and how you feel. It’s their issues, not yours. When you realise this, it can be extremely liberating.
8. Try some understanding and compassion.
This may sound counter-intuitive but it works. Pretend you’re a spectator watching this movie play out. When it feels safe for you to do so, pretend you have no emotional ties to this family you’re watching but you’re deeply curious as to why they behaved the way they did. Think about the reasons this family have for rejecting their child. Why would they think this way? What was their upbringing and life journey up to that point? What do you think they could be so deeply unhappy about? What’s below all the pain that could explain the way they’re treating their child?
You’ll usually find it’s all about fear or regret. Fear of what will others think, fear of loss, embarrassment, regret that they never pursued their own dreams or were brave enough to make their own choices.
Over time you may find that they come around to being more accepting or open to discussing your ideas or choices. But this requires a high degree of maturity. It’s safer to assume this may never happen so you don’t build up your hopes that they will change their minds. If it does, wonderful. If not. protect your heart.
When we look at our situation through the lens of deep compassion and love, we can better understand why something happened. We can process our feelings and see that it’s nothing personal. It’s their past hurt and pain. It’s not us. This can be extremely healing and liberating for us.
9. Embrace the gifts of being an outcast.
Once you stop fighting against being the Black Sheep of the Family, you’ll find that it can be extremely freeing.
Being the rebel has its advantages though. You free yourself from being the same as everyone else. You think differently, you’re often more amenable or tolerant of different ideas. You’re more likely to try anything. You’re more compassionate and empathetic because you know how rejection feels.
Remember, it takes real intelligence to become curious enough to seek something out that is different from the rest of the herd. It takes courage too to follow your heart.
You deserve huge congratulations for forging your own path in life. Please always remember how strong, unique and wonderful you are for listening to your inner voice and choosing what’s right for you.
It’s difficult to let go of the hope that things will be different. It’s natural to want to cling to the past and even try to change yourself to fit in with your family’s view of the world. Know that there comes consequences to that too. Your heart won’t be in it and you’ll suppress who you are and you could land up becoming very ill.
Listen to your intuition, give your soul the space to speak up and practice the art of letting go. It will help you. I wish you healing and love on your journey.
x
A fellow Black Sheep.
